Yeah…euphoria is nice when you’re loving and agreeing.  But you’re debating and disagreeing, euphoria takes a back seat to ego.  Words are said that shouldn’t be.  Confidences are broken.  Secrets are hurled in faces and they slam against your cheeks like cement bricks.  Mmm…the pain.  Not Him…  And despite your best efforts to remain calm, you feel the volcano bubbling.  You feel the red, hot, steaming lava churning and slowly making it’s way up from the fiery pit in your belly.  Not Him… And before you know it, you’ve become a willing participant in unloving foolishness.  And you want to walk away but…Did he just say?  And you know you both are better than this low-vibrational display of negativity but…Oh really?! So that’s how you really feel? And you know with every unloving word that you spew, your Euphoria is getting more distant and more unreachable, but…He just said he doesn’t give a damn about me!  And that may not have been what he said, but that’s what you heard.

How do we go from Euphoria to verbal stompings in mere nanoseconds?  What is it about our egos that won’t allow us to just simply pause long enough to listen? Why can’t we take a break to consider if our words really, truly honor the person and the relationship?  Or…do we not care to honor them to begin with?  I often wonder how many relationships could be saved if folks just took a second to check in with their feelings and ask themselves, is this real?  Why do we allow such hurtful words to pass our lips and into the ears of people we claim to love and care for?  Or…are those just words?  So one has to wonder.  What part is real?  Which words do I believe?  If a person says that they care about you and they can’t imagine life without you, but then says “Delete me!”, because you had a disagreement, you think to yourself “Wow… that was easy for you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are really confused about love.  I believe it even more now.  We’re walking around here falling, jumping, diving into love and we don’t even know how to swim.  We’re ill-equipped to stay above water.  And many of us can’t even float!  But instead of taking lessons, we decide we’re just not going to get in the water ever again.  Because although it was refreshing and exuberant and it felt oh so good, we’d just rather not have the experience because it was a little scary, we got hurt a bit and well…it didn’t always feel so good.  Ha!  It never even occurs to us to just go take some damn lessons!  What is wrong with us?!  How do we not properly prepare for the thing most of us say we want most?  Look around, we don’t know how to love one another.  One argument ends a potentially beautiful relationship.  We refuse to listen to each other.  Hell, we can’t even call each other out on our stuff without jeopardizing the relationship.  And that’s what we’re in each other lives to do!!!!  I don’t have all the answers, but I will share what I do know about love and relating.

1. FIGHT FAIR!  Always. This is non-negotiable.  Don’t bring up old issues.  Don’t hit below the belt.  Don’t use the relationship status as a defense (ex: You’re not my girlfriend!).

2. BE RESPECTFUL! Why do we have the tendency to take arguments to a place they don’t need to go.  There’s never any justifiable reason to disrespect someone you care about with harsh words.  Never. Unless…you don’t really care about them.

3. HONOR YOURSELF! We’re all working hard at becoming our ideal selves.  And we’ve done so much work already. Don’t negate all of your hard work by reverting, or resorting, to old behaviors.  We do this out of fear, because we haven’t yet mastered the new ways of relating.  The only way we master the new ways of relating is by practicing.  We must practice.  If you’re constantly being challenged and you consistently respond with your old ways of relating, you will continue to be challenged until you get it right.  (BOOM! This is a light bulb moment for me!)

I don’t profess to have all the answers.  And I will never claim to be perfect.  I am still working on me, but I am WORKING.  We must do the work. We have to do the work.  Love is far too important for us to continue giving it these shoddy ass trials.  Let’s get back to Love People!  Smooches!

Finally, I realized that the only box I was in was the one I created for myself.  This imaginary box was wreaking havoc on my creative spirit and, quite frantically, it began to tick me off.  So I’ve decided, whatever comes out once I sit at the computer is what comes out.  I’m stepping outside of the confining box and into a sea of creative wonderment.  The problem I faced was instead of allowing spirit to drive my creative expression, I was attempting to use solely my intellect.  What a huge folly on my part, but easy enough to correct.  After much meditation and a slow reentry back into the world of words, I decided wherever spirit guides me is what I shall explore.  No more time consuming and senseless second guessing.

And so I realized that this is a common predicament for many people. Not just in terms of writing but in relationships, careers, health etc.  We often find ourselves stagnate, afraid to move in one direction or another because we’ve become complacent, comfortable.  And so instead of moving, embracing change and stepping past the fear, we shut down and become unproductive.  We cease to grow and thrive and even when we so desperately want to move, we simply can’t find the strength (or the words) to do so.  However, we know we can’t continue to ignore the embers of goals and desires.  And pretty soon they become uncontrollable, red hot burning fires that cannot be contained.  They become bigger than our fears.  Bigger than our confusion.  Bigger than our complacency.  And we can no longer ignore what we were meant to do…destined to become.

And so, I’ve found my words again.  I’ve found my voice.  And although it’s a bit shaky and weak and in dire need of plenty of exercise, it is here.

A couple of years ago,  my bestie and I were enjoying the evening at a well-known Korean Bath House in Atlanta. As we were being scrubbed, steamed, and pampered she mentioned how what we were doing reminded her of Queen Esther. I asked her how so and she began to explain how Esther prepared physically for the King. Beauty treatments, myrrh and cinnamon oils abound, and a consistent beauty regimen for 12 months were a part of her intense preparation. When she mentioned this I thought, YES!  We are definitely getting ready. I started calling us “Esther’s Girls”  and even made a body butter with the same title.  And while the preparation continues, recently I understood the need to include a component previously overlooked.

While some may like to focus on Esther’s physical beauty as the means by which she captured the king’s heart, the truth is- there were hundreds of beautiful women made available to him. What set Esther apart from the rest? After his experience with Vashti, the king knew better than to simply rely on looks. There had to be more to his next queen…more substance. So what was it about Esther, other than her looks, that made the king fall deeply in love with her? …It was her heart.

As single women, often times we forget that internal work is far more important than the external work. And rightly so, because our society tends to place such an emphasis on outward beauty that we often overlook or simply repress the internal issues that often keep us in a perpetual state of singledom. Looking like a queen on the outside, but being emotionally and spiritually unattractive negates the external beauty.  And ultimately, internal beauty is far more reliable and sustainable than external.

Therefore, I am on a mission to recruit Esther’s Girls. Women who are queens preparing for their kings. We’re not just sitting and waiting. We’re not sad and forlorn. We’re not male bashing nor are we ultra independent with the belief that we don’t need men. We are actively working on ourselves, learning, growing and evolving.  We believe in and understand the importance of partnership and building our family. And while we are powerful alone, we accept that that power is magnified when partnered with our king. We are all about love and loving. With God’s love as the foundation, we focus on loving ourselves completely and unconditionally so that we can then emit that same kind of love to others. For we know, Love is the answer.

Here’s to Queen Esther!

I am ready for love…all the joy and the pain. I’ve found that people talk a real good game. And I, never one to shut my ears to a good story,  love listening to their stories about how good they love and how ready they are to be loved and loving. Their words mesmerize me and I find myself silently, internally recording each and every one. So when I see behaviors that don’t correlate with the words I recorded I like to call attention to this contradiction. Not to prove anyone wrong, but to clarify what the wants and desires ACTUALLY are…not just what they think sounds good. Getting ready and being ready for love takes work.  It is, indeed, a never ending process.  It’s one thing to think you’re ready while you’re single with no one in your space to challenge your behaviors, reactions and your thoughts. However, the dynamic changes significantly when you partner with another person. Any and all relationships pose a variety of challenges, but romantic partnerships are the most challenging of all. They can be amazingly frustrating, disappointing, joyous, peaceful, contentious, loving, and so many other colorful adjectives.  All of which can be experienced over a period time as the relationship ebbs and flows or sometimes all at once. Our responses demonstrate whether or not we are truly ready for love.

This isn’t going to be a lengthy post, because there is no need for it to be. As a student of love, I continue to grow and learn so much about myself and relating in love. All that I learn I feel compelled to share with others so that we can get back to love and loving – the ultimate experience. My wish is to master love.  And although, I’m not sure if that can be done, but I’m looking forward to trying my absolute best to accomplish this feat. In order to know if we’re truly ready for love, according to Leo Buscaglia, my love teacher, we must be willing to let go certain things:

The need to always be right.
The need to be first in everything.
The need to be constantly in control.
The need to be perfect. (Or expect perfection)
The need to be loved by everyone.
The need to possess. (We don’t own anyone!)
The need to be free of conflict and frustration.
The need to change others for our needs.
The need to manipulate.
The need to blame.
The need to dominate.

If after reading the list you can admit that you’re not ready to give those things up, ALL of them, then you’re not truly ready for love. All of the characteristics above are destructive to loving relationships. However, if you read the list and know that you are willing to let go of the destructive behaviors and you’re ready to do what’s necessary to bring more love into your life then begin by practicing the following:

Know yourself.
Get rid of petty irritants.
Be spontaneous and bring delight to your partner.
Be thoughtful.
Fight the urge to dominate and/or change.
Take responsibility for your own happiness. Remember it’s no one’s job to make you happy.
Be a friend.
Add rituals and traditions to the relationship. Use those from your family or make up new ones together.
Share your hopes and dreams.
Be courageous.

One that I would like to personally add is Explore touch and intimacy regularly. As humans, we NEED touch. It is healing. And since relationships are living things, touch and intimacy provide the nurturing and care necessary to grow all relationships and promote them to thrive.

I’m truly, implicitly, beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt ready for love. Are you? Let’s get back to love Beautiful People. Smooches!

The hook to Drake’s new song, “Marvin’s Room”, conveys the exact mood that I wanted to create in this post. What prevents us from loving others in a way that makes them feel good? And the answer comes back to one simple concept. Simple in terms only as it seems that so many of us have yet to internalize what the concept actually means. Self-love. When you have love for one’s self there is no desire or want to see another person in pain. About a month ago, my feelings were hurt from an experience I never thought I’d have. Someone spoke to me in a way that I interpreted as mean and insensitive. I could have been that lady in the car, frustrated and in pain because someone I loved wasn’t listening to me and in fact, was throwing me away as if I never mattered to them all. It was far too easy I said to myself. Their feelings couldn’t have been true because we wouldn’t be here if they were. There’s no way this is love.  It took me a couple of days to move from that hurtful place back into my heart space, but when I did I realized that this person is my mirror. And I had to ask myself, how do I show others that I love and care about them? But the real trick was to ask myself this question about the people I know aren’t leaving.

It’s funny that we often neglect to behave lovingly towards people who we know aren’t going anywhere. Our children, our parents, and other family members often don’t get the opportunity to see how loving we can be. No, we reserve that for people who can either accept or reject our loving at their whim and according to their own set of beliefs about love. I’m just sayin…you can do better.

This is the “T”. When we love ourselves, when we act lovingly towards ourselves we don’t reserve a special kind of loving for any one person. We don’t wait for a significant other to go own a beach vacation, have a candlelit dinner or enjoy flowers and champagne. When we are masters at the art of loving ourselves, it doesn’t matter when someone rejects our loving because our love for self is more than enough and we know that there are plenty of people who want to be loved. Loving ourselves means that there are no broken hearts, just lessons. It means that we aren’t saving our love because it’s overflowing and, therefore, cannot be contained. Our hearts aren’t hardened with resentment and lack of forgiveness. Those emotions are fleeting ideals that our self-love obliterates.

So I told myself that I will do better. I will love those in my space better. I will love myself  better. I will focus on being in a relationship with God and self.  I can definitely do better than what I’ve done in the past. I’m not saving my love for any one person in particular, I’m sharing it with everyone in general. And when it’s time for me to take that leap again, I’ll know that I’m going to do better because I already have.  Smooches!

If I sat here and began to list all the things that have ever happened to me some of you would be amazed. Others would say hell I’ve been through far worse. But what makes the difference for all of us is how we choose to view these experiences and ultimately, how we CHOOSE to let them affect us. That’s right. How we CHOOSE to deal with life’s challenges and trials impacts all that we do. I must place emphasis on CHOOSE, because everything we do is a choice. Now, I’m not suggesting that things that are done to us is a choice. Although, depending on your belief in reincarnation and karma some would say even actions performed on us by others is a “choice.” But I digress. Ultimately, we have no control over the actions of others, but we do have control over our own. We’re not powerless here. We’re human beings perfectly capable of utilizing logic and common sense when forming thoughts and making decisions. We’re not puppets for the people in our lives walking around with our strings being whimsically pulled for the enjoyment of others. No. We have the gift of choice. So, contrary to what some of us would like to believe, no one can “make” us do anything. No matter how angry, sad, distraught, happy, etc. someone becomes, we still have a choice in how we respond and in what we do. We must stop blaming our actions, or the lack thereof, on others.

Needless to say, I do not believe that some people don’t deserve love. I will NEVER believe that people are trash. There are a lot of people who have done some pretty horrible things and some folks would probably say they don’t deserve love. But saying someone doesn’t deserve love is like saying they don’t deserve to have a relationship with God. God is love. Who are we to deny someone’s need for a connection with source, with THE source. That’s not our business. We cannot continue to stand in judgement of the actions of others. Haven’t we learned anything yet? Look at what judging others skin color, sexual orientation, religion and ethnicity has gotten us. God does not judge, man does. My purpose is to get as close to God as possible on my walk. I wouldn’t dare suggest that he’s made a mistake by judging someone else’s path. Besides, I’m too busy focused on my own healing and evolution to worry about someone else’s.

In a perfect world, we would accept people just as they are and let go of ego. It’s our egos that pass judgement. It’s the ego that gets bruised when rejected or we have lost love. It’s the ego that reacts unlovingly instead of responding with love. The ego has the tendency to get us in a world of trouble and often blocks us from many blessings and much happiness. We all deserve and desire to be loved. Take a moment to make sure your thoughts and actions are inviting more love into your space. Peace and Blessings. Ashe.

I often wonder if I’m the only person that considers that Cinderella and Prince Charming probably got a divorce. Or that Snow White’s tail ended right back with those damn seven dwarfs. We have this illusion that happily ever after is easily achieved and with one person. We are under the impression that all of our wishes, hopes and dreams lie with one person. And when we meet that one person, it is going to be magical. And…it probably will be…at first.  However, some of us believe that magic lasts as long as the energizer bunny. It just keeps going and going…. So we walk around looking for someone who’s going to make our red wine taste a little sweeter or our sun shine a tad bit brighter.  We make our lists of our perfect people and to reconfirm our belief in soulmates, we meet people who match our lists perfectly. They embody every single trait or characteristic.  And lo and behold, we have hit the jackpot! We received every single thing we asked for. Of course, we then start to notice all the things we didn’t ask for as well. And what began as minor annoyances become glaring defects that immediately cause us to study this damn list and attempt to figure out what we’ve done wrong. What did we forget to write down or what should we take off?  A soulmate with faults?  There’s just no way.  Right?

So we question ourselves, our choices and our expectations. We question our actions and our conversations. We question if we heard everything right and then we question our questioning. *sigh* Where do the questions stop and the listening begin?

Urban Dictionary’s definition of a soulmate:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

Well damn…I want that too! Now here’s one that is a little less romanticized and more realistic via Tomorrow’s Edge:

It was originally believed that soulmates are created when the creator takes a soul and splits it into two, as it is caste into human form.  Each half is supposed to learn the life lessons at their own pace.  When the two halves sometimes cross paths during various lifetimes, they have a cosmic powerful bond because they really are of the same soul.  They complete each other.  They are often very much alike, and the intensity of the connection is too much for a mere human with emotions and issues to handle, so they painfully end up parting ways.  When they both finish their lessons, they are both reunited in heaven and come together as a beautiful representation of love and unity.  This is also known as your twin flame.  Only one person is the other half of your soul.

I recently said that I don’t believe in the concept of a soulmate for myself. Well, that’s not true. I believe in soulmates, just not the romanticized version of them. I understand and accept that because I am so very intense, if I meet my “other” half in the cosmic sense, there is a strong possibility he and I will not be able to share the same space.  Can you imagine such an intense union? Especially if he is a young soul. In order for my soulmate and I to co-exist in a romantic relationship he and I will both have to be highly evolved souls. Rarely, do soulmates actually end up together, romantically.  And sometimes they’re not even friends! But that knowing doesn’t make me sad, if anything it’s liberating! There are so many possibilities for love and loving in this world. I’m not focused on a “soulmate”.  In fact, I’m simply focused on loving.  As I grow to understand and accept more about myself, the body I occupy and my purpose, I am also more open to experiencing all of my relationships in a more loving manner. I’m not waiting, nor am I looking, for a soulmate.  I’m going to love whomever shows up in my life to love me.  And imperfections and all, I will accept and love him fiercely for as long as I am able.  In the meantime, I will sip my tastefully sweet red wine and enjoy the rhythmic beat of life’s pulse. No Prince Charming or soulmate  or twin flame (that’s another blog!) needed for that. Smooches!

More reading on the true meaning of soulmates:

Soul mates are individuals who incarnate together for the purpose of growing in love. They make agreements with each other to help teach the life lessons each wants to learn. Then they incarnate at more or less the same time as a soul family. The members of a soul family are soul mates. Soul mates are kindred spirits, but they are not necessarily romantic partners. Your best friend is a soul mate, and one, sometimes both of your parents are soul mates. Anyone with whom you’ve been in a significant romantic relationship is a soul mate. 

When I say significant romantic relationship, I mean one that has impacted you on a deeply emotional level. Soul mates give you a chance to see yourself more clearly. Any significant relationship that teaches you something about yourself is a relationship with a soul mate. 

It doesn’t have to be a long-term relationship. It doesn’t even have to be a relationship that had a positive outcome. Some of our soul mates agree to act as the villain in our life to help us learn something important about ourselves. For example, a partner who cheated on you may not seem like a soul mate, but if that experience helps you grow in self-respect, then that person has given you a gift. You may not appreciate the wrapping, but once you’re on the other side of the experience, you will appreciate the gift. 

Do you long for love, yet fail to take decisive steps to make it happen? Do you procrastinate on taking action to meet people and date?

Ambivalence may be the cause of your stop-and-start approach to finding love. Hidden, unconscious ambivalence may be sabotaging you and side-lining your determination to have a loving relationship.

In her book, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?, Susan Page identifies ambivalence as one of the underlying causes for singles who want to be in a relationship and still aren’t. Says Page, “If you have no doubt that you want an intimate partner, there are plenty of things you can do to find one. If you aren’t doing them, chances are you aren’t altogether certain you want one.”

The dictionary defines ambivalence as “the coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings” and “uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow”. Do these mixed feelings sound familiar?

• I’d like to share my life, but what if I lose my independence?
• I want a rich personal life, but what if my career suffers?
• I want to share myself intimately, but what if I get hurt?
• I want a relationship, but is it worth the risk?

According to Page, there are two types of “involuntary singles”.

The first type wants a relationship and hasn’t met the right person yet. This type is probably taking decisive action towards their goal.

The second type is ambivalent, either consciously or unconsciously. The ambivalent person wants a relationship, however they may secretly value (or fear) something else more. When they say they want a relationship, says Page, “what they really mean is: ‘I want a relationship, but equally or more important to me is:

• Not having to take risks
• Progressing in my career
• Hanging on to my great lifestyle
• Avoiding pain
• Keeping my secrets to myself
• Proving I’m right that the opposite sex is the problem’.”

Hence, their efforts to have a relationship may be sabotaged from within.

If you suspect ambivalence is slowing you down, here are some pointers for moving beyond it:

1) Pay attention to your ambivalence.

Ambivalence will only control you if it remains unconscious. Once you are aware of it, you have some choices about whether you allow it to call the shots.

Notice if you feel justified or righteous about all the things you’ve done to find a relationship, that haven’t worked. Ambivalence can sometimes take the form of looking like you’re trying, while secretly hoping you don’t succeed.

2) Don’t judge yourself negatively.

Don’t berate yourself for having ambivalence. It is a self-protective mechanism, often rooted in fear. Be compassionate towards that aspect of yourself that would rather dither and delay than risk failure or hurt. It is a very human tendency and you are not the only one who has it!

3) Understand your ambivalence and design your next step.

Your ambivalence may be pointing to an important value of yours OR it may simply be a guise for your fear. What action you take will depend on which it is.

When your ambivalence points to an important value of yours, it needs to be honored. For example, if you’re afraid that a relationship will cost you your independence, it may be that independence is an essential requirement for you. You may need to select a partner who respects that requirement and enjoys having an independent mate. Your ambivalence needn’t cause you to stop your search. Instead, it can help you to refine it.

If your ambivalence is a “cover” for fear (fear of rejection, fear of trying something new, fear of disappointment, etc.), it’s important not to get stuck in the fear. I recommend taking small steps towards your goal, at a pace that you can handle. This means stretching beyond your comfort zone, without overwhelming yourself in the process.

Small steps lead to the same destination as large steps, as long as you keep taking them in the desired direction. Most fear is manageable if we can slow the process down into do-able steps. Determine what next small action you will take – and do it.

If you are truly STUCK and feel unable to take action, then give yourself the gift of support.

Talk to a pro-active friend (not one who will agree with you that it’s hopeless), read a good dating self-help book (see Page’s book above) or talk to a counselor or coach. Seeking support may be your next best step.

Take action toward your goal and you may find that your ambivalence decreases as your pro-active behavior increases. I have witnessed the empowerment that comes when my clients stop waiting for love and start initiating. Their confidence increases, their courage and optimism grows, and things happen!

i could love you

i could really

love you

i could stand behind you with
an ease of being that defies
the illogical air of submission.
walls
would come tumbling
down
guards at my heart’s gates
would become
nonexistent and
transparency
would be
inevitable
willingly I’d stand naked
in loving you

i could love you
from your crown chakra
to your toes         yes

i could love you

i could really

love you

i could bathe in loving you
like the sun’s rays
nourish
the Earth
sustaining
life
loving you
would be my life
force

i would be your moon
your
constant companion never
leaving
your side
basking
in your glow and
feeding
off your warmth

i could love you
i could really
love you
If only you’d let me.