Desires / Dreams / Family / Fear / heart / Life / Love / Relationships / Wants

The truth really does hurt sometimes….

Last night, I had a dream that I was in a tall building and needed to get to the lower levels.  Well, the all-white, spiral staircase was steep and scary as hell.  I didn’t want to go down those stairs.  Some guy then tells me about an elevator I can use instead.  So I walk over to the elevator that has a monitor next to it showing a video explaining exactly how to use the elevator.  It shows that once the elevator reaches the bottom floor, it basically collapses and disintegrates.  And anyone in the elevator, who wasn’t lucky enough to get off in time, well…sorry Charlie.  Needless to say, I didn’t get on the elevator either. So in my dream, I’m stuck on the upper floors, refusing to go down the steep, scary stairs or the diabolical elevator.  I’m just stuck.

I looked up the meaning of stairs and elevators on Dream Moods and this is what I found:

Stairs – To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts.  You are regressing back into your unconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life.  If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it means that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotion and thoughts.

Elevator – Descending in an elevator, suggests that you are being grounded or coming back down to reality.  It also signifies setbacks and misfortunes.  In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life.  It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

Now, I’m not going to venture into analyzing the dream just yet.  Because first, I need to be honest about where I am in my life right now.  …I need to be honest with myself.  I think this may have something to do with the “repressed emotions” suggested above.  Truth: I imagined that at this particular juncture in my life I would have it all together.  You know… IT.  The wonderful, loving husband, the strong, fantastic marriage, the five beautiful babies (yes, five!), the gorgeous home, the dream job, and financial security.  Truth: I don’t have it and I want it!

What I have is one beautiful daughter and I thank God everyday for her.  Sooo…what happened to the rest of my IT?  Now, this is the tricky part, because I think at this point is where I’ve begun to repress my emotions.  So when I posed the question above before, my answer has been: I am blessed and grateful for all that I have and I know more blessings are coming my way.  Now, do I mean that?  Absolutely!  However, in order to be truly honest with myself, there are other emotions I feel when I take stock of my life as it is right now, in this moment.

Truth: I was laid off in May from my job as a teacher and I have yet to secure another job. I’ve applied to more schools than I can count and I haven’t received any solid offers yet.  I am beginning to get scared and it is becoming more challenging to remain consistently positive.  Now, if I were one of those people who saved…what is it 8 months?…of salary, perhaps I wouldn’t be as worried.  But I’m not one of those people and I didn’t save 8, I saved 3 and it is just about gone. *breathing*  It was hard for me to admit that, even to myself.  My relationship with money has long been an issue for me.  Nonetheless, that is the truth.  I am frustrated that I am going through this at this point in my life. I should be enjoying my IT….waking up blissfully happy and in love with my life.  And I feel guilty admitting that I am not completely in love with my life.  And I want so badly to be.

…but people always expect me to be the happy, positive, strong one.  So the negative emotions have been repressed.  It’s funny…when people describe me they always comment on my strength.  And the truth is, I don’t even feel strong most of the time.  Yet even as I type this, I’m hesitant about publishing it, because I think it makes me look weak and pathetic.  Isn’t that something?  I actually want to censor my authentic emotions.  I know better! The truth is, most of the time I am happy and positive and my outlook on life correlates with those emotions. However, sometimes, like today, I am afraid.  I am scared that I am taking the stairs or elevator down – away from my IT.  And today, I just want to allow those feelings to exist. I don’t want to push them away or down. I want to honor them because they are real.  And maybe, just maybe, by honoring them I can admit that I do still want my IT and I deserve nothing less.  After all, I didn’t get on the stairs nor the elevator in my dream.  That has to mean something.


2 thoughts on “The truth really does hurt sometimes….

  1. Wow. Gosh this really hits home Cindy. I find myself doing some of the same things. I hide behind this image of perfection…knowing that I have some internal issues that need to be addressed. Thank you Cindy for sharing this. Very helpful to me. Love you.. MUAHHH!

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