Fear / heart / Love / Relationships / Wants

Submission or Independence? Can’t have both.

Part 1

Can submission and independence co-exist?  You know I’ve been thinking about this ever since JujuMama brought up the topic of submission on Twitter a few days ago.  She spoke on the feminization of our men and how roles have changed so much that each is confused about their part in relationships.  Or…at least that was my interpretation of the conversation.  So I’ve meditated on what I said, which was “Men want their women independent AND submissive. I don’t get it.”Now, while I made the comment and believe the comment to be true,  even I wasn’t quite sure why I feel that this desire is unrealistic.  And then suddenly a light bulb went off this morning.  I knew exactly why these two principles cannot successfully co-exist in a relationship.  Basically, one is a very masculine trait while the other is very feminine.  BOOM!

This is the skinny- in order for a woman to be independent, she has to be a leader, somewhat aggressive, with an inclination to take charge and basically run things.  Now, these qualities are ok (I suppose) in the work place, but what about when she gets home?  To expect her to turn these qualities, inherent in her personality, off, is unrealistic. More men are saying that they want an independent woman, but the truth is the above qualities don’t create harmonious homes with men who exhibit very masculine traits. Now if a man is effeminate this combination may very well work, but many of us (women) are looking for strong, alpha males. And alpha males desire highly feminine, submissive women.

Why can’t submission and independence co-exist? Why doesn’t this combination work? Quite simple, you have two masculine energies where there should only be one. Point blank. Period. So the men who say they want an independent woman…are you sure? And do you fully understand what this entails? Submission requires that a woman completely trust her man.  She has to know he’s holding it down, gonna hold it down, and DOESN’T MIND holding it down.  With the surge of men expecting their women to be “independent”, I think it’s safe to assume that many men have an issue taking care of a woman. Come on, let’s face it.  This is all about money. Our men are so focused on NOT losing any of their’s that they have begun to switch the roles that we both were created to fulfill. So if man has decided to step down from the role as provider, how can a woman be expected to be submissive?  Who is she submitting to and why?  A man who wants an independent woman, has basically alluded that he doesn’t want anyone he has to take care of, be responsible for, or be needed by.  So again, why would any woman submit to that?

Now, women don’t get off easily either. We’ve become hardened, belligerent, rigid, argumentative and down-right angry.  Now, does that sound very feminine?  In our quest to become highly educated, we have assumed an air of disposability regarding our men.  We have even compromised how we date.  Accepting things like meeting them at a location instead of expecting them to pick us up; paying half of the check, when he should pay the entire thing. Assuming masculine roles to pick up HIS slack because if you don’t do it then well…it just won’t get done. Right?  I’m not sure which happened first, the above or men’s expectations, but I can safely say, it’s not working for any of the parties involved, especially our children.  Wow, but that’s another issue entirely….

What we need to do is decide what role we desire to fulfill in our relationships. And meditate on what kind of person will compliment us in that role.  This is just the beginning of a conversation that needs to be had.  Seriously.  It’s time for us to be honest about our stuff and begin to heal wounds and transgressions of the past.  Only then can we truly find our way back to loving one another.  We need each other -whole, open, and ready for love.


2 thoughts on “Submission or Independence? Can’t have both.

  1. I actually believe that the two can co-exist but not as submission and independence. Those are two extremes. I think the middle ground is assertiveness.

    For example, it is possible to be able to provide viable input on a decision yet defer the final say to the head of household, a boss, or an elder.

    It is an interesting question.

    I do think that you’re correct in that we need to decide what role we desire to fulfill in our relationships. In other words, pick a lane and stay in it.

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