As we approach Valentine’s Day, many of us who are still preparing for our special, intimate, romantic partners are meditating on what attributes and traits we want in our partners. As we observe the cards, flowers, candy, and stuffed animals being purchased we think of the things we would like for our soon-to-be lovers to do for us. We fantasize about the perfect dinner, the perfect conversation, the perfect lovemaking that will ensue afterwards. And yesterday, right smack in the middle of my fantasy, I had an epiphany. While I’m thinking about what I would like for him to do for me, how about I think about and actually DO what I plan to do for him?! You see as we compile our lists and attempt to find people who fit into our, often, over the top fantasies, we forget to check our own selves. Some how it escapes us that our significant others will quite possibly have a list of their own. And the question is, would WE make the cut?In all fairness, can we really expect our potential partners to have attributes and qualities that we ourselves don’t possess? When we sit back and take stock of what our lovers will be walking into, what do we see? Is there drama? Is there emotional mess that’s in bad need of cleaning? Are there wounds that have yet to be healed? Now, that’s the heavy stuff. But let’s just say there is no heavy stuff. You’ve closed doors, moved on, healed wounds, and gotten rid of the baggage. Okay. So what do you have to offer your lover? I’m not speaking monetarily either! That’s way too easy. What kinds of behaviors will you demonstrate during your relationship? I feel strongly that true love is demonstrative. Therefore, I had to ask myself, what am I going to do and be for him? And am I doing AND being those things now? My answer? Hell, naw! You see I became so focused on HIM, that I forgot to stay focused on me. How often does that happen in relationships? So I had to make the conscious decision to act every day like the person who is already in the relationship. Why would I wait until I’m in a relationship to make sure my clothes are always hung in my closet rather than flung on my bed? Why would I wait until I’m in a relationship to get my favorite flowers (hydrangeas) or eat off my beautiful china? Why would I wait to go to a restaurant that I’ve been desiring to go to simply because I don’t have a date? And why on Earth am I waiting to wear my pretty lingerie? Foolishness! That’s why.
You know the saying from the movie, “Field of Dreams”- “If you build it, they will come.” Well, the same holds true for attracting that person on your list. BE that person on your list. Be loving, romantic, adventurous, family-oriented, fit, healthy, open-minded, tolerant, faithful, spiritual, and all the other things you have listed. Build that in your life right now, this very second. Don’t wait on them to show up before you do those things, because you just might not make the cut if you do. Wine and dine yourself. Romance yourself. Go on trips with yourself. Create stories and memories to share with your lover. Go on an adventure! Just do it! And the more you begin to focus your attention on being a good lover to yourself, you’ll notice that you’re attracting more people who possess the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.
Before I end this post I do want to say, please make sure you double check your list for qualities and/or attributes that are unrealistic. We all have our deal breakers of course, but we need to make sure we aren’t being completely superficial with our expectations of potential mates. Remember you want someone you can share your life with, not just your bed. I love you! Smooches!