Authenticity / Desires / Detaching / Ego / Energy / Fear / Feminine / God / Love / Masculine / Men / Surrender

Sometimes Crazy Leads to Healing and Loving

I was putting linens away in my bureau this morning and found it difficult to push the drawer completely in. I’m slightly anal when it comes to drawers being open even just the tiniest bit. To me, it looks messy and unkempt so, of course, I had to get to the bottom of why this doggone drawer was not going in all the way.  So I proceeded to take the drawer completely out and found several blouses lying on the floor of the bureau.  Aha!  The culprit had been discovered. Anyhoo, while removing the blouses a little “bling” caught my eye.  I had no idea what it could’ve been since my jewelry selections are more Bohemian in nature and rarely include “bling” of any kind.   I picked up the item, which I realized was a ring and slowly remembered to whom it belonged.

Most of us never know what we’ve done wrong in a relationship until it’s over and we’ve had time to grow and love again and have our hearts “broken” again or have somebody call us out on our shit and then have another person call us out on our shit.  Sometimes it takes all of that or just one of those experiences before we get it.  The veil is lifted, we’ve gotten the lesson and then we move on.  Well, my marriage was a treasure trove of lessons all wrapped in a nice little package of dysfunction.  And when it ended all of that dysfunction came to boiling, bubbling, puss-filled head.  It didn’t end well at all.  We didn’t honor each other nor any love that ever existed between him and me.

After the relationship was over emotionally, I was left reeling with no outlet.  He worked out of the country and I could never seem to reach him.  And for someone who’s going through a whole bunch of mess because of one person, not being able to reach that person can cause insanity.  I had stuff to say.  I had things that I needed to get off of my chest.  But mostly, I wanted him to hurt.  I wanted him to feel all of the pain and rage I was feeling. I wanted him to acknowledge what he was doing, had done, planned to do and the entire BS he was putting me through.  Since I couldn’t reach him, I decided to get back at him through his things.  Yes, I pulled a kind of Waiting to Exhale on him.  You see, my ex loved things.  He loved to go on shopping sprees, nice trips, and buy high-end gifts.  And while I like nice things, I’m a little more practical. Well, when the relationship was over, I looked at all of that stuff and felt sick to my stomach.  I stood, in the middle of our bedroom, and realized that he focused more on buying me gifts than loving me the way I so desperately needed.  The time and energy he used in searching for the perfect gift for me should have been directed toward our relationship, growth and love.  I never wanted all of that stuff.  What I truly wanted and desired was his heart.

So I took pictures of the bags, the shoes, and even the wedding dress and placed them all on EBay.  I priced them ridiculously low and even showed pictures of the receipts so that the buyer knew they were authentic.  Everything I listed on EBay sold within a week.  All the other stuff, I gave to Goodwill.  Every gift, every piece of jewelry, every handbag, golf clubs, etc., I gave it all away.  I even gifted my aunt and uncle with a paid trip to Barbados that we had planned to take.  They used it as a second honeymoon.  All of this took approximately a month and then all that was left was the ring.

Mmm…mmm…mmm, I loved my ring.  Not because it contained big rocks or was excessively expensive but because it was supposed to symbolize our commitment to one another. Hell, I was married and proud of it.  I loved having a husband.  So my ring was simply a symbol of the love and pride I felt for our marriage. Therefore, I decided I needed to do something very special for the ring.  One last ceremonious act that would properly demonstrate just what the relationship now meant.  So…, I took it to a pawn shop.  Yes, a pawn shop.  Pawn shops are cheap, desperate places filled with the negative energy of relationships gone bad, people desperate for cash, and items stolen to fulfill a longing for a quick fix.  Yes, that was exactly where I felt that ring needed to be.  I knew I wasn’t going to get nearly what it was worth and I didn’t expect to. Again, it was symbolic. *sigh*  My, my, my…how far I’ve come.

So finding his ring, his nice, gold diamond ring made me think of that time in my life.  The time when all I knew to focus on was how he messed us up and abandoned our family. I never once considered my role in the deterioration of, not just our marriage, but our relationship. I thought about how badly I reacted when he didn’t do the things I asked him to do or how frustrated I was with his lack of romance and his inability to be attentive to my needs.  It ticked me off when he didn’t take the role of leader or make decisions without asking me first. I wanted him to be the alpha male I needed him to be – make decisions, drive the car, pay the bills, bring it in bed, be romantic, communicate effortlessly and love me unconditionally. Wow…I was so deluded. You see, I didn’t know at the time, that he was simply my reflection. He was my mirror. And there was absolutely no way he could love me the way I needed, because I hadn’t yet learned how to love myself.  At that time, I still had not learned my role as a feminine being in a relationship with a masculine being.  I didn’t know or accept that there were also certain expectations for me to fulfill. I wonder if we ever really stood a chance.

So today I looked at his ring and decided it was time to think about the good times we experienced. The fun we had together, how well he treated my daughter, and his support of my career are not lost on me today.  He was a good guy, however, I know now our relationship and divorce was necessary for me to get to where I am today.  He was necessary in order for me to recognize what’s important to me in a king and a relationship.  Because of that experience, I’m weary of men who focus on money and materials. I’ve learned that I’d much rather be with someone who is creative and has a big heart, rather than a big bank account and no imagination. I want someone who will go all in with me on love, is passionate about life and loving me, and is committed, wholeheartedly, to our relationship.  But most importantly, I’ve learned that all relationships must operate from a spiritual foundation.  A man who knows, accepts, and practices that, well;…he’s the one for me.

After I got rid of all of the stuff, an amazing feeling of peace came over me.  And when I left the pawn shop, I sat in my car and cried. I was no longer angry. I was sad. We didn’t make our marriage work and that realization hurt me deeply. But I knew it was now time to focus on healing. At that moment I decided to change my terms of the divorce, I no longer wanted anything from him or the marriage. I just wanted us both to move out of anger, hurt, distrust and blame.  It was time.  And while I may not have gotten anything tangible from the marriage, I definitely walked away richer than I was before.

His ring, cufflinks, and money clip are sitting on my bureau. I am placing them in the mail tomorrow to be sent to his mother’s.  I will enclose a card that simply reads, “Thank you.”

Advertisements

One thought on “Sometimes Crazy Leads to Healing and Loving

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s