…who’s the biggest liar of them all? Well, apparently I am! And I’m happy to admit it once and for all. I don’t feel guilt or shame about it. In fact, I embrace it. There are times when I simply find it necessary to tell an untruth. I’d rather not tell the bill collector that I can’t pay the bill because I spent the bill money on shoes. Or tell a loved one that the reason I’m late is because I spent the morning laid up watching Sex and the City DVDs or doing other things that would seem unimportant to them. However, while Ijustify these concessions with honesty, I am intolerant of others who find it necessary to do the same with me. Well, that was until I realized that I am a big ole liar (among other things) my damn self. Lol!
I have ended many relationships due to the above infraction. The moment I find out that I have been lied to, my behaviors and attitude toward my beloved change. I begin to doubt everything they say and question whether they will ever “earn” my trust again. But then I start testing them to see if they’ll ever lie again. Man oh man do I test them. Wow. The insanity that exists in those of us who consider ourselves sane is frightening. And I justify all the tests and questions by saying that I want to make sure this is going to work. Can we say self-sabotage?
My lasts two relationships left me drained. I was sick and tired of the lying men I seemed to continually attract. Why was I always attracting liars when I tried so hard to be honest in all of my relationships? Guy #1 promised to love me no matter what. He told me I was safe and that I could trust him, but our first disagreement ended with him banishing me from his life – FOREVER. ??? My extreme hurt and sadness soon turned to anger over the realization that he lied about everything he ever said to me. Guy #2 couldn’t seem to tell the truth if his life depended on it. He’d lie about the color of the sky if I couldn’t see it for myself. The relationship was unhealthy and destructive and nothing that I had ever experienced as an adult. His lies combined with his emotional immaturity left me afraid to attempt another relationship for a while.
Those two relationships left me to ponder what on earth is going on with my energy that I attracted two, seemingly, different romantic yet both hurtful experiences? Well, the common denominator between the two is…me. And I realized that after all the reading and theorizing and analyzing and discussing and attending workshops, seminars, webinars and whatevers, I still was not PRACTICING all that I now “know.” So since I “know” that all relationships are growth opportunities and our mates mirrors, and since I obviously was not growing or learning what I need in order to create a successful, sustaining relationship, I figured it was time to do some deep soul work. It was long overdue. So I sat in deep contemplation for what seemed to be hours. Then I journaled. And after that I talked to my bestie. And then I journaled some more. Finally, as if a bolt of lightning jolted my consciousness, I had an epiphany. I am a liar! I am a pretty, little freakin liar! I was so busy sitting atop my high horse staring down in righteous condemnation at these men for having lied to me, when I lie all the doggone time. It doesn’t matter that I consider my lies “small” (what are small lies anyway?). A lie is a lie is a LIE! These men are my mirror! All the men I’ve encountered are my mirror. What a powerful and liberating moment for me. Elated and giddy about my self-discovery, I started laughing and crying all at once. I was free! They were free! And an invisible veil was lifted from my consciousness. I became more aware that I, too, make mistakes and tell lies and am sometimes late to appointments or meetings. I became more aware of all the little things that annoy me and how I ALSO sometimes do those things. Ha! The moment I realized this about myself and that there’s no malintent with my lies or any of the other infractions, I was able to truly, authentically release any negative feelings I had towards the men of my past. And see and accept them for exactly who they are – imperfectly perfect human beings – as am I. And so now I look forward to the opportunity to PRACTICE what I have finally learned. So very grateful for mirrors.